Break!

I am disgruntled by my loss of interest – there are not many things I look forward to. I used to look forward for the weekends, meeting/chatting with certain people among a lot of other things. Nowadays, I have lost it. Is this depression or is it just loneliness? I really do not know.

Random Thoughts

He tried to ignore things that bothered him, even if that meant creation of a nagging worry for the future. Somewhere down the line he conveniently forgot about social obligations though that meant he cannot criticize politicians anymore. He thought that it is better not to draw a line than drawing it wrong in the first place. Soon enough, morality became a dicey subject to him; after all it is about drawing lines. Largely, he had a picture of where the line should be in his mind although, it was never calibrated.
As the time passed, it did not become any easy for him; he realized that he is yearning for something. Life is all blurry and often seems to have no or little meaning yet, he certainly was searching for something – or was he? If he was not, where does this great feeling called hope coming from? What is it that he wants in life? Is it attention? Is it love?
He was worried. He was fairly ambitious when he started – he chased his dreams. He never enjoyed chasing dreams though; he never enjoyed conquering those too; by the time he did, he usually had a new dream – a new worry! This bit from the past kept him puzzled, about the new yearning he has – what if that too is a mirage? What if there is nothing new or divine about it than what he already discovered/experienced?
He had learned something from life – He knew that the function of probability and luck in life was much more than hard work and other commonly known values. One does not need to try and steer life too much – it would not yield any result even if it does, one can easily attribute it to chance. Oh my – Causality is such a thing – Yet, we must remember, we are not here to discuss it. He decided to let go and enjoy even though he did not quite know how he will/can live without his worries.

The world that was

Another independence day passes by!

In my younger days when I was in school, I used to wait for the independence day, the day used to come slowly, we used to celebrate it and when it was gone, I used to be sad about it. I used to collect the candies from various sources and used to be happy and proud of the amount that I collected. I used to feel I should be more patriotic than I ever was. If I ever got a tricolor flag on the day, my day was made (let alone day, my year was made) Even though flag got to me by my dad was always below my expectation, I used to proudly save it for years to come. Those were the days when nothing came easy and we used to cherish whatever little things that came our way. May be we were not as profligate as we are today, but we were certainly more simple and certainly more happy.

May be I will never be that happy, that patriotic or simple anymore – even though I have more purchasing power, more resources at my disposal. When I think about it, my mood becomes melancholic, I realize what I miss in my life. In my ambitious journey towards money and power, I have lost certain things which I would never get back. I traded them for glory and I am not sure whether I did a good business there.

That said, going back to the life I had is never possible, things have moved on, even my simple little village is no longer simple – I really doubt whether kids cherish stuff we used to enjoy so much. Even in villages we are changing from a society that did things collectively to one which each individual is trying to optimize his life. The world has moved on – I need to run too ..

Failure to communicate

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” – Albert Einstein

Even though there is no need for me to agree to the wise man, I still do – the idea which gave birth to this post. I still have not decided on out-rightly disowning the source – by the end of the post, we might have a better idea.

I proudly announce the departure of  a major depression in my life (not a big deal, I was never very very happy in my life at any given point of time which in itself makes end of depression a big deal).  It just so happened that the great recession of 2008 coincided with great depression of my life in 2008. You think I am kidding – I will cite relevant examples from my older blog (Read This and This, Critically acclaimed with 2 and 3 comments respectively)

The antivenin for some snake’s bite are developed from their Venom (which sounded a bit paradoxical to me)  and I have taken a similar approach to get out of this depression.  While I do wish for great things to happen,  I do not expect anything – One dear lesson from the last time.  Now that I have reached here – How do I make this post post-able?

I quit..  I thank  Amooma for the inspiration and her efforts towards consumer protection.

“What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.” — Cool Hand Luke

Err.. Not sure!

Now that I am here, I want to take time out and view my life from a distance, analyze it and come up with answers or patterns or lack of those. It would be more funny if somebody else does that futile exercise for me, it will be freaking hilarious. The more I analyze, the more I lose faith in the institution called life – for it disappointed me all the time.

Let me explain – When I was a kid, I thought life was all about memorizing more than other kids did and outperforming other kids in doing that. I did well and everybody said keep on doing what I am doing and I will eventually become great. I will get a great job, I will get a good girl (they did promise) and I will live happily ever after (none of which has come true and I don’t think they will)

Then there was a good guy VS bad guy, the hero vs Villain, India Vs Pakistan, World Vs Terrorism, Light Vs Dark, Good Vs Evil stories. I can no longer distinguish between good and bad – it is all perceptions and beliefs and at best half truths. Lack of belief in anything is my biggest strength and weakness nowadays.

Then there were games, in which I need to understand the rules play by it and maximize something. Often, the rebel in me says, I would be better off not playing a game than playing it (I am not talking about sports and games here, I am talking about the wicked game called life). Sometimes I wish if I had the power to change the rules (may be, loyalty is lack of opportunity)

To sum it all up, I am not sure about anything anymore although sometimes I play the game with passion

Fake or Real ????

Yeah, it’s time to barge in with something totally unnecessary which can make people wonder why I think. Let’s talk about how difficult it is to be (or fake being) an intellectual. I will start with a few examples and as I go on, you would be a better judge of characters’ intellect. Disclaimer: all the characters in these examples are real, although I might have changed context/dialogues to add spice/humor.

Here is one from the recent times – after a few days of journey from the same origin to same destination, my friend started to complain about how inconsistent the auto-fare meters are – showing different readings.  Intellectual cuts in with his words of wisdom – “The standard deviation never crosses 20%” How he came to that conclusion in a matter of seconds – a stroke of pure genius or fake intellectualism? You decide.

Sometimes the things one say without much consideration have profound deeper meanings attached to it.  “Everything is everything else”, said a certain man when he was a bit light-headed, and we thought finally, we had something trap the well respected intellectual. The very next day he came back strongly, linking the concept with the oneness the ancient Indian as well as some of the eastern philosophies refers to.  Later we had several versions of the aforementioned aphorism ranging from everything is shit to there is no point – let’s keep those for another time.

The pieces of intellectual show-off need not be verbal/written, contrary to the common belief – Example? Here is one.  Dumb charades was going on, our friend was going to act out a movie called “The last temptation of Christ”, one would naturally expect him to enact Jesus Christ first but our friend chose to act out the word “temptation” and what was so intellectual about it was the way he did it. Never ever in a layman’s dreams he would connect temptation in “Last temptation of Christ” to Cadbury Temptation but, an intellectual does. He acted out Cadbury temptation advertisement with what seemed to us like mating dance – Well, a masterpiece and a mystery.

Sometimes people have this strong urge to be different but that should not be misconstrued as intellectualism. Nor does writing sarcastic to plain dumb articles and sending to a large audience should be.  Last time I checked, my alumni group had arguments and counter-arguments about world transformation force/Vishwa Nav Nirmaan or whatever – even though I respect the novelty and sarcasm in the original mail. But I don’t understand why one should butt in with pseudo intellectualism and prayers to all mighty when it clearly unearths the level of his/her intellect (or lack of it)

This piece of shit is dedicated to all the fake intellectuals in the world – Keep butting in.

Musings of an introvert

For the first time in life, I feel bad that I am getting older now – typical for a guy who started his journey on the wrong half of twenties. This is the point of time where one changes from a casual friend to a potential candidate and then to a man who is difficult to handle. Nobody’s problem – but, I suddenly found myself labeled – blame it on my over enthusiasm to peep where I shouldn’t have been peeping. The bad part of the story is things will never be the same again – whether I like it or not.

 That being said why should I care about it? – after all it was just one instance and at worst a warning about way things are going to change for good or bad. As I think on, I realize that my windows to the world are so limited – it boils down to a business window which I do not even want to talk about and personal window which we can discuss in detail in no time. My personal window does not have much bandwidth, I keep in touch with a maximum of 7-8 people outside my family on a regular basis and among 7-8 four or five are my long lasting friends, one or two are my online friends – That’s it, sad indeed.

 Now a new acquaintance has the charm, the novelty, the excitement and the fact is it acts as the spice of my life. Now Imagine I lose spice in my life, it would seem to me like I have to have Pastas everyday for all meals without any other dishes. As I mentioned, I do not add a lot of masala in my life but inevitably I need some. Oh my god, I need to get a life, be more extroverted make a lot of friends, thus making my life spicy; only if wishes were horses.